A new book by Sheira Kahn
Turn down the voice that says you're not good enough
A kind, step-by-step guide to quieting your inner critic, so you can feel calmer, treat yourself better, and get your energy back.
From Self Criticism to Self Love: change the balance of power inside
by Sheira Kahn, MFT
Does this sound like you?
- You'd never talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself.
- One comment from your boss and you're sure they don't like you.
- A tone in your partner's voice sets off a spiral of worry.
- You replay the same harsh thoughts over and over.
- You keep promising yourself you'll “do better,” and then feel worse.
- You've been told to “just love yourself,” but no one ever showed you how.
If you nodded along, you're not broken, and you're not alone.
That harsh inner voice isn't the truth about you. It's a habit you learned a long time ago, and you can change it.
Get the BookWhat changes when the critic gets quieter
Every time you use the tools, you get a little break, an “island of peace.”
Calmer days.
Fewer spirals, more moments of quiet inside.
Kinder self-talk.
A voice that sounds more like a good friend.
More energy.
Strength you stop spending on fighting yourself.
Choice instead of spiral.
Room to pause, and decide what you want to do next.
Inside the book
What's inside
Sheira's story: “This Work Saved My Life”
How Sheira went from believing she was unlovable to finally feeling free of her inner critic, and the moment it all changed.
Part 1: Start with kindness
Why your inner critic isn't your fault, where it came from, and how to stop being mad at yourself for having it. You'll also see that you can grow a kinder, wiser voice inside while still loving your family.
Part 2: Stop believing everything it says
Why the critic feels so convincing (hint: it sets off your body's alarm bells), why that doesn't make it right, and how your mind, heart and body can guide you instead.
Part 3: Get your energy back
Why pushing your feelings down wears you out, and why letting yourself feel them can help you move forward again.
Part 4: The tools, step by step
A simple practice you can use any time the critic shows up:
- 1Notice when you're triggered
- 2Write down just the facts
- 3Spot the story you told yourself
- 4Name your feelings
- 5Get to the root of it
- 6Take action (including standing up to the critic)
- 7Enjoy the calm
You'll see real-life examples, like feedback from a boss, a partner's tone of voice, or a child who doesn't do what you hoped.
Relief, in small doses. Every time you use the tools, you get a little break, an “island of peace.”
A kinder voice inside. Learn to talk to yourself the way a good friend would.
Less second-guessing. Learn to tell the difference between what happened and the story your critic told you about it.
More energy. Stop spending all your strength fighting yourself.
Your own pace. No rigid rules. Do the steps you're ready for, in any order.
A way to stand up for yourself, inside and out.
Is this book for you?
This book is for you if
- You're tired of being hard on yourself
- You want simple tools you can use in real moments
- You like to go at your own pace
- You want to feel kinder inside while still loving your family
It may not be the right fit if
- You're looking for a quick fix
- You want rigid rules to follow
- You need urgent help right now (please reach out to a professional or call 988)
- You want a replacement for therapy or medical care
From the book
The superego (or inner critic) that you have is not your fault.
We would never say to others what we say to ourselves.
I had the right to feel better. I was headed toward love instead of rejection.
Reader reviews
About Sheira
Sheira Kahn knows the inner critic from the inside. Growing up without the support she needed, she developed a harsh inner voice that told her she was unlovable.
At 25, she joined a meditation school where wise teachers taught her how to deal with the inner critic. She practised, sometimes many times an hour, until the critic grew smaller and kinder.
Today Sheira is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFC #40344), practicing since 2003 in Alameda, California. She works with clients in person and worldwide, and has taught this approach to people recovering from eating disorders.
[TO CONFIRM] Additional credentials and links
Questions you might have
Is it my fault that I'm so hard on myself?
No. Your inner critic formed when you were young, to help you stay close to the people who raised you. It was trying to help. Knowing that makes it easier to be kind to yourself now.
Isn't my inner critic keeping me motivated?
Sheira says no: put-downs don't help you change for the long term. You have better guides, your clear thinking, your heart and your body, and they don't beat you up along the way.
Do I have to do the steps in order, or all of them?
No. Do what you're drawn to and ready for. Over time, it gets quicker and more natural.
Will this mean turning against my parents?
No. You can still love and honour your family. The difference is that you stop carrying their unresolved feelings.
Am I trying to get rid of my inner critic completely?
No. The goal is to put it back in its proper place, as a helper and a guide, not the boss.
What if this feels like too much?
You're in charge of the pace. If it feels too intense, go slower. Sheira also encourages you to lean on a group, a therapist or a friend when you need support. This book isn't a substitute for professional care.
Note: This book is not a substitute for professional care.
What if I've never known what it feels like without the critic?
You're not alone. Many people feel that way. Then the focus is on creating moments of quiet and safety, which is what this practice is for.
You don't have to keep listening to the voice that puts you down
Learn how to quiet it, step by step, at your own pace, with kindness.
