Stop a Fight with Someone You Love

If I only had 2 minutes with a couple, this is what I would want them to know:

When your partner burns the toast AGAIN and the two of you have words, it's not about the toast. It's about the interpretation.

Most fights get going because there are misunderstandings, dubious interpretations of whatever happened that we attribute to the other person. "She thinks this." "He feels that." "My partner burning the toast clearly demonstrates that they don't care about me."

That's when the fight can start, because we are upset to think "the partner doesn't care about me". Wait, what? Is that what it means, or was your partner rushed and didn't have time to scrape off the burned part? Don't believe everything you think (remember that bumper sticker?), especially when it comes to a loved one. Because we are close to them, objectivity is less possible and the interpretations come flying in — and sometimes they are distorted.

It's our job to be aware of our own interpretations and the feelings that come from them. Here's an exercise: a timeline.

First, write down the event:
My partner burned the toast again.

Then write down your interpretation:
They don't really love me.

Then write down the feelings:
I am angry, and deep down I am sad (it is terrible that they don't love me!)

Then, when you see it written out in black and white, you can go back and check the interpretation part. "They don't really love me." That is a strong statement and it's important to see if it's true before you go down the rabbit hole.

After that, you can say to your partner, "I interpreted the burned toast as a sign that you don't love me. Was that accurate?"

"Was that accurate?" is the question. That is the level of conversation to have with your partner. "Of course I love you. I was rushed and couldn't find a knife to scrape off the burned part. I was hoping you would do it." And your partner can meet you there: "I didn't realize you were rushed. I just saw the toast and jumped to the worst conclusion."

You can also decide not to say anything, and just return to center in yourself.

Now you're really getting clear instead of going on assumptions. You and your loved one are on the same team and a lot less likely to fight.